Monday, July 20, 2009
Why So Serious?
I was talking to a friend over the weekend about her dating woes. She's 35, single, no kids, professional job, master's degree, etc etc. She and I talk a lot about BM/BW relationships (or lack thereof) and her frustrations with the dating scene in LA. Now, I love this girl as a true friend. She often asks me for my opinion and I usually give it to her straight, no chaser. So what I am writing is in no way "outing" her or anything like that.
My friend is overweight (by at least 20 lbs), dresses very matronly and is not at all approachable. She has a definite "black girl attitude" at times. She has gotten into arguments with some of her neighbors and has had issues with co-workers. She used to live in a predominantly Latino neighborhood and she would repeatedly make disparaging comments about Latinos and their habits. In her line of work she has to work with mostly whites, many of whom are gay. She often has something negative to say about the gay community, especially white gay males.
In my opinion my friend is what I would consider a "typical" black woman. Not because of her age, weight or single status, but because of her blatant prejudices and rigid set of requirements for practically everyone she comes in contact with. She has repeatedly stated thst she has "given up" on black men because they pay her no attention ("Can a brother just at least say HELLO??") and chase after white/asian/latino women. Now, I must say that the "swirl" is incredibly high here in Los Angeles. Not just BM/WW but WM with damn near everybody including some BW.
Anyway, when she and I talk I always bring up her negative attitude and how it probably affects her dating life. She of course will say that she is not always like that and she doesn't have attitude in relationships. She has gone out on only a handful of dates in the past few years, all with black men. One of the black men she dated was an aspiring artist who seemed nice enough but he said he didn't really have time for a serious relationship because of his career. LOL. I promptly handed her a copy of He's Just Not That Into You.
Another guy she dated was actually a friend of one of her college buddies. Now, let me lay out this dude's resume: Yale undergrad, UCLA grad, studied abroad, working on his own graphic design/communications firm, recruited to move to LA for film work, smart, interesting, likes going to concerts, etc. This dude would be a MAJOR score for ANY woman. The problem in her eyes? He is "weird" and "too nerdy" and just not R-I-G-H-T.
Yeah, I know.
Now, he isn't tall, dark and handsome but he was SUPER nice. Very firm handshake which is always a sign of confidence. But of course, she treated him like he was an annoying kid brother buzzing around. I was surprised he was still single but he was only 31 and said because he moved around a lot for work he didn't really have a chance to invest in a relationship. Fair enough. But it seemed like he was interested in finding one and with MY FRIEND. SMH.
My point in telling you all this is that my friend has a long list of men she would drop 20 lbs for and most of those men are in interracial relationships or it is unknown who they are dating. Many of the men she finds interesting are the educated, suit-wearing men who wear jeans and Timberlands on the weekends. No matter how much I try to tell her that that man does NOT exist or if he does he is already married to Beyonce, she still seems to think that he is out there and would be willing to date HER.
With all of her baggage, she still feels entitled to HER ideal man. My question is: Why do BW feel that if a man does not have ALL the characteristics she is looking for, he should be passed over?
Now, I am not talking about dating a man with a felony conviction and three baby mama's when you really want a lawyer who was a Rhodes scholar! Clearly you would be lowering your standards and possibly putting your life in danger. But if a man is a professional but maybe he is really into comic books and likes to eat cereal for dinner on occasion - why pass him up? Why not date him and enjoy letting loose and eating cereal for dinner every once and a while too?
Why the need for such rigid and strict requirements when it comes to love, the one thing that should be malleable and open to change? (men you can comment too!)